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It’s amazing what one can learn in 10 years

by | Oct 14, 2013 | About Marquis, About this blog, Business, career, career path, career-life balance, mentorship, professional advice, real life stuff, Self-confidence, Stanford GSB | 0 comments

On Oct. 14, 2003, I posted the first entry of this blog back when I was in the early stages of applying to business school. That’s right…this is the 10-year anniversary of my blog.

When I started this thing, I never thought that it would still be going after so long, but, once I saw how it was helping people, it sort of took on a life of its own. Now, I can’t even think of what it would be like to shut it down. Funny how that works, right?

I originally started this blog to share my story as an MBA applicant, but, over the years, it morphed into something totally different. For the past few years, I’ve used this blog as a forum to answer questions from my readers as a way to share the learnings that I’ve acquired from stumbling through my education and career without having been taught the “right way” to do it all; I figure that I’ve already endured the bumps and bruises, so I should use that to keep others from having to do the same.

Below, I’ve provided my top 10 life lessons learned from my last 10 years of educational, professional, and real life experiences. Many of these items are somewhat basic in nature, but all of them were true revelations for me when they hit me and have helped me become the man that I am today.

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  1. Be thankful for what you’ve got

    I listed this item first because it is related to the largest event of the past 10 years: the financial crisis. From 2003 to 2006, the economy boomed. From 2007 through Summer 2008, things started getting rocky. In September 2008, the bottom fell out of the economy, leading to several years of struggle for people around the world. We’ve only seen a recovery in the U.S. in the last year or two (and the recovery may reverse if the U.S. Congress can’t get its act together :-().

    Many people experienced gains in the last 10 years, but even more people took huge losses over the last half of that period. I know folks who, several years ago, were incredibly excited to get their dream jobs in investment banking…at Lehman Brothers. I know people who have/had beautiful homes that they never thought they’d be capable of owning, only to see the value of those homes plummet or, in the worst cases, have the bank take them back. Oh, and I can’t forget to mention the people who lived it up during the years of excess and are now wishing that they could have 1/10 of the money that they spent back due the financial strain of job loss. In other words, what you have today can be gone in a blink of an eye, regardless of how stable you may think everything is.

    A common theme that I’ve seen in people who have recovered from these types of lows is a positive spirit that comes from focusing on what they have, not what they lost. Some folks think about how fortunate they are to have their health. Others find comfort in knowing that their families are safe and by their sides. Some people look to their faith and know that God is watching over them, despite their struggles. Whatever it is, these people are able to concentrate on the positives in their lives and are thankful for what they have (instead of being resentful for what they don’t have). In general, this is always a great attitude to have, but it has become even more important in the past few years when the down economy has taken so much from people.

    My advice here is that, no matter how dissatisfied you may be with your current situation (e.g., job, career path, financial standing), just remember that someone else could have it worse. If you hate your job, think about all of the folks who would kill to have any job at all. If you’d say that you’re not advancing quickly enough in your career, make sure to appreciate that you have a career at all…many recent grads would give anything to trade places with you and have a chance to start their careers. Lots of people complain about their homes, cars, clothes, possessions, etc., but I’d bet that they don’t think others who have lost everything or are barely hanging on in the aftermath of the economic crisis. It’s real out in these streets.

    I’m not saying that you shouldn’t work hard and fight for what you really want…We all deserve the right to do that. That said, I would strongly encourage you to be thankful for what you have in the present when trying to build for the future. Keeping the proper perspective will be very helpful in truly appreciating advancements once you get them.

  2. “Be ruthless with your time”

    This is a holdover from my 2006 list of lessons after graduating from Stanford GSB. I took the quote from one of my favorite GSB professors, Jim Ellis, from a list of tips that he gave in our final ‘Managing Growing Enterprises’ session.

    Back in 2006, this advice was like gold to me because I’d always had issues with telling people ‘no’ when they needed my time for any number of things. So, I told myself that I’d take this one to heart an start being ruthless with my time…and then real life happened. First, my job at McKinsey started, which, as you can imagine takes a lot of time. Then, I had everybody and their third cousin asking me to help them prep for consulting case interviews so that they could get jobs at McKinsey (and its peer firms). Then, I had people coming out of the woodwork asking me to help them with MBA applications. Also, there were several other random requests for my time that covered a wide range of topics. Eventually, I fell into the trap of not being able to say ‘no’ and my time no longer became my time, which pretty much ran me into the ground.

    You’d be surprised at how quickly your time can be taken up by others and, next thing you know, you won’t be left with any for things that YOU need to prioritize, like getting your work done, spending time with the people who matter to you, and, most importantly, sleep/health. It took me a while before I realized that this had happened to me again, but, when I did, I made changes to follow Prof. Ellis’s advice and start being ruthless with my time. I started budgeting in time to hit the gym, spend more time with my peoples, run around out in the streets, and sometimes simply do nothing productive at all (which was a major change for me). It was GREAT and had a huge impact on my overall stress level.

    If you take only one thing away from this list, I hope it is this point… It’s great to want to give of yourself to help everyone, do everything, and have impact everywhere, but, sometimes, you just need to focus on you and what you need. Time is a resource that is non-renewable. Make sure that you focus on being ruthless when it comes to yours.

  3. Find an anchor for your confidence

    People often say that, to be successful, one needs to have strong confidence and make it known to others. That’s cool and all, but it’s often easier said than done. For some people, it comes easily and, as a result, they can walk through life without appearing to be phased by fear, setbacks, etc. For others (like me), this seems like one of the most difficult challenges in the world and the fear of whatever might lead to problems or failure can be debilitating.

    My case was especially bad and plagued me until I was almost 29 years old (impostor syndrome was like a cloud over me). That all changed a couple of months before my Stanford GSB graduation when a B-school classmate said to me:

    “Marquis, you’ve graduated from Princeton, you’re about to have a Stanford MBA, and you have a job at McKinsey waiting for you in a few months. When are you going to let yourself believe that you’re the truth?”

    I thought about it for a few seconds and thought “Damn, he is 100% right…righter than right“. From that day on, I decided that things were going to change…and they did.

    It took me a while to figure out how to change it up, but, once I did, it was a true game-changer for me and my career. The key was to find an anchor for my confidence that, once established, would allow me to feel comfortable walking into any situation knowing that I could have some impact (or at least a better than 50% chance of not screwing up). Over the years, I’ve locked in on different areas, but, nowadays, it’s all about 5 things for me: #TheBrains, #TheCharisma, #TheHandsome, #TheSwole, and #TheHustle. As long as I have at least 1 of these things working for me, I know that I’ve got a fighting chance. And, if I’ve got 2-3 of them going, then I’m pretty much golden.

    I’m a firm believer that honing in on a few things that make a person distinctive/interesting/great is a bulletproof way to not only develop one’s confidence, but also to maintain it, even in the face of struggles or failure.

  4. Optimize on building meaningful relationships, both personal and professional

    I know a lot of folks. I just checked and I have 2,000+ Facebook friends and 2,600+ LinkedIn connections, both of which were surprising to me. I guess you could say that I’m a pretty connected guy. That’s great, but I don’t really focus much on the number of ‘connections‘ that I have. What I find to be most important is the number of meaningful ‘ relationships‘. Some may think that ‘connections‘ and ‘relationships‘ are the same, but I see them as separate ideas, with the latter being much more valuable.

    Here’s how I think about it:

    • Connection: Being linked to a person in some manner, but not necessarily in a “deep” way; Similar to “having met” someone versus “knowing” that person; Can be established without having actually met or even spoken to a person; Connections can be established for any number of reasons, including being alumni of the same (or peer) academic institution, having worked for the same company, similar industry/functional/career interest, and mutual connections

    • Relationship: [Instead of defining this myself, I’ll rely on the one from Wikipedia] Strong, deep, or close association/acquaintance between two or more people that may range in duration from brief to enduring. This association may be based on inference, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment; The distinction here is that the parties involved have put in work to move past simply being connected and toward really getting to know each other; Relationships provide a foundation for ongoing engagement and mutual benefit for both people

    Simple concept, right? You’d be surprised at how difficult it seems to be for some folks to grasp this idea.

    I can’t even count the number of times that I’ve met someone, had a 2-minute conversation, and exchanged business cards, only to have he/she use that as an invitation to pester me with emails and phone calls asking for something. Usually, he/she wants me to either buy something, get him/her in the door to sell services to my employer/organization, or make an introduction to someone (who he/she will probably begin to bug, as well). In the right circumstances, I’m fine with these kinds of requests from someone with whom I have some type of relationship, but definitely not from a person who is essentially a stranger. People like this are trying to leverage a low-touch interaction (i.e., a connection) to reap the benefits that come from a higher-touch interaction (i.e., a relationship). The game just doesn’t work like that and not recognizing that fact is a great way to burn a potentially useful connection.

    Over the years, I have developed a go-to framework for thinking about relationships. Basically, any relationship that one maintains requires a combination of time, effort, and resources. The first two items are self-explanatory, but the third one is a little nuanced. Here, I’m using the term “resources” to mean anything (tangible or intangible) that you invest in the relationship that isn’t covered by the other parts of the framework. Examples include money/financial support, mental cycles devoted to the other person’s issues, frustration experienced from interactions, and assorted “drama” the person may bring. We only get a finite amount of time, effort, and resources, so it is important to prioritize in whom you invest them. This may be an overly transactional way to look at it, but, once I came up with this approach, it all fell into place for me.

    Once you choose to really invest in a relationship, make those investments worth it. Take the time to get to know the person as more than a basic connection. Understand his/her background, interests, goals, etc. Find points of commonality that make it easier to build the relationship. Offer advice or help with top-of-mind concerns, if any. Periodically check in with the person to stay in contact. If you’re not great at that sort of thing (I’m awful at it), devote the time to give a thorough response and do your part in keeping the relationship going.

    You may believe that I’m over-thinking this issue, but trust me when I say that I’m not. Relationships matter a lot and, if you can build a collection of truly meaningful ones, you’ll see the benefits for years to come.

  5. Treat your network like it has value…because it does!!!

    This item ties directly into the previous one. Once one has developed a set of meaningful relationships, he/she will have the foundation for a diverse and potentially productive network, which would include friends, colleagues, associates, and acquaintances. These connections could lead to job opportunities, introductions to notable people, help/support in some kind of initiative, or any other of a long list of benefits. Due to what’s at stake, It is crucial to be thoughtful about how you manage and leverage your network because destroying/damaging it is much easier than developing it in the first place.

    I’ve either experienced or heard of many instances where people have been unwise in interactions with folks in their networks, often resulting in permanent changes in how they are seen by those connections. Actions like flaking on scheduled phone calls, showing up late to meetings, not being prepared to have a meaningful discussion, being overly informal, taking a long time to respond to communications, and not following through on commitments can end up having lasting effects. In many of these cases, the person may not even realize that he/she did something improper, but, once the damage is done, it likely can’t be undone.

    This is an especially tough issue for younger professionals because they run the risk of damaging their networks before they even have a chance to develop them well. I’ll share a pretty hilarious example. A few months ago, a former co-worker in his mid-20s with whom I was somewhat friendly reached out to me to request a phone call. He was working on launching a charter school with a curriculum based on principles of basketball and wanted to talk to me about it. Since I’m interested in both education and basketball, I decided to carve out some time to talk to him.

    The call was strange from the start. The guy was just all over the place and verging on being erratic. After ~25 minutes, I still didn’t understand how he and his co-founder would help kids learn subjects like physics and math using basketball concepts. He just wasn’t making it come together for me. Then, we had the following exchange:

    • Me: “I just don’t understand. You’re not doing a good job of connecting the dots on how what you want to do makes sense.”
    • Him: [Laughter] “OK, OK, OK…I’m gonna be honest with you, man. I was smoking a bunch of pot a few minutes before this call and I’m kinda hiiiiiigh. Heh, heh…I’m just not all the way here.” [Even more laughter]

    • Me: “Hold on. We’ve had this call scheduled for 2 weeks and you decided to smoke weed right before it? ”
    • Him: “I’ve just been so stressed out and marijuana helps me mellow out. Plus, it’s my birthday and I didn’t want to go into the night of my birthday with stress on my mind.” [More laughter]

    • Me: “Uh…you don’t need to be having this conversation right now and you’ve wasted 30 minutes of time, so I’m going to go.”
    • Him: “Marquis, please don’t tell anyone about this, man. Please.”

    • Me: “Goodbye.” :-/

    Amazing, right? It must be real in the field, huh? Naw, man…not that real. To this day, I can’t believe that this kid thought it would be alright to conduct himself like this in a professional business discussion. Stunningly janky. He’s actually tried to contact me since then, but I just ignore him now. He poured 1,000,000 gallons of gasoline on that bridge and burnt that joint to a crisp as far as I’m concerned.

    The story above is an extreme example, but people unknowingly mess up in engaging with connections every day. Here are a few *hopefully* helpful tips on managing your network:

    • Use your judgment and/or ask for permission before facilitating an introduction to someone in your network
    • Ask for permission before you use a contact’s name as a referral to get to someone else
    • Be respectful of other people’s time; When making plans to engage someone, make sure you ask for times that work well for the other person; Don’t assume that your timing will work well for him/her
    • Never come across as only connecting with people because you want something
    • Always thank people for their time when wrapping up a professional meeting, both at the end of the discussion and via email/letter afterward
    • Follow through on your promises

    Your network is important and, with all of the economic uncertainty of recent years, having strong connections is more important than ever. Also, in this increasingly-interconnected world of ours, you can never tell who knows whom and what those people might be saying about you and your behavior. I can’t emphasize enough that it is vital to manage your network wisely and to treat the people within it with the utmost respect and care.

  6. “Know when to hold ’em…know when to fold ’em”

    Some of you will recognize the quote above from the Kenny Rogers song “The Gambler”. I’m not a country music fan, but this song has always “spoken” to me because some of the lyrics are a sort of a metaphor for life.

    Life is basically a series of gambles on a bunch of factors, like education, relationships, career, and health. Winning at the game of life requires getting enough wins in these individual gambles, whether it’s by being dealt a strong hand, using the right strategy, or blind luck. In other words, you should aim to handle those “gambles” in the best way possible in order to end up with the best overall result.

    Anyone who plays poker knows that, in some games, you can end up with cards so good that you want to immediately raise your bet. In other games, your cards might be so iffy that the best move is to fold and get out of the hand. In the series of “gambles” that make up life, it is sometimes best to “lay down your cards” and exit a given situation.

    Patience is a virtue, but, if a person waits too long when in a sub-optimal situation, he/she could end up worse off. This can apply to any number of contexts, including job/employment issues, friendships, romantic relationships, business relationships. In cases that just don’t “feel right”, I’d highly recommend stepping back to look at things objectively and, if the time is right, be willing to cut your losses and walk away.

    This has played out several times in my life, including in one instance that eventually led me to business school. In Fall 2001, I was working for a small software engineering firm in the DC Metro area. I’d grown tired of plugging away at Java code and wanted to make a transition over to the business/management track, so, along with a friend from undergrad, I decided to apply to the M.S. In Management of IT program at UVA, with a plan to start classes in May 2002. Because the program would require me to be in Charlottesville every other Friday for classes, I went to my company’s CEO to discuss it. After the conversation, the CEO gave me his support and assured me that I’d be able to make a transition in career track following graduation in May 2003.

    Fast forward to June 2003…I’d graduated from UVA a couple of weeks earlier and had scheduled time with my Division Lead at work to ask about jumping over to the business/management track. It didn’t exactly go as planned. Here is the highlight of the conversation:

    • Me: “So, now that I’ve finished up at UVA, I’d like to talk about how I can leverage my new know-how on the management career track.”
    • Him: “What do you mean?”

    • Me: “Well, before I started the program, I talked to the CEO about making that move, so I wanted to figure out how we’d make it happen.”
    • Him: “Oh. Well, you can’t go from Engineer to Manager here.”

    • Me: [Silent…and surprised at what I was hearing, especially since this guy had made that same sort of transition a few years earlier.]
    • Him: “But, don’t worry…just be patient and, one day, you’ll be able to make it up to Tech Lead.”

    Immediately following this meeting, I was shell-shocked because I felt that I’d been duped. Next, I got ticked off at the idea that I was just supposed to be cool with what the Division Lead had told me. Finally, I became determined and knew that it was time for me to be out. I just needed to find the right way to jet and have it be additive for me. At that point, a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that it was time for me to press ‘Reboot’ on my career by going off to B-school. I didn’t think that I had a shot of being accepted anywhere, but, fortunately, Derrick Bolton and his team at Stanford GSB were checkin’ for The Kid and admitted me. In other words, folding on that hand led to a huge payoff…One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. 🙂

    I know that what I’m saying here flies in the face of what most people would advise. Statements like “don’t give up” and “keep on truckin'” are usually the standard ‘rules of the road’, especially when it comes to career and life success. I tend to think that there are a world of alternatives for any situation and, in some instances, it makes sense to make a big diversion from the current path in order to truly get ahead.

    Here is one of the rules of thumb by which I live: The longer you stay in a situation that makes you unhappy, the more complicit you are in your own unhappiness. Sometimes, it’s best to just give up the ghost and focus attention on the next thing. Some may consider this to be accepting a loss, but I look at it as showing enough strength to put one’s self in the position for the next win. Don’t miss out on that potential win because of a gamble on a bad hand.

  7. Be open to accepting feedback AND be willing to give it

    According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, feedback is defined as “helpful information or criticism that is given to someone to say what can be done to improve a performance, product, etc.“…in other words, feedback is supposed to be seen as a good thing. If asked, most people would probably describe themselves as feedback-seeking and then go on list the many benefits associated with it. But, in reality, when comments that aren’t necessarily glowing come their way, a lot of people are quick change their tunes. Having lived and worked in a few feedback-heavy environments, I have quite a few thoughts on the topic.

    Let’s cover the easy part first…positive feedback. Everybody loves hearing great things about themselves. Statements like “You’re doing great”, “What an amazing job”, and “You bring so many things to the table” are the types of reinforcement that can make a person believe that he/she can rule the world. We all want these kinds of comments to be directed toward us and, when they come, it’s hard to fight the urge to smile. Great stuff, but any rational person should know that everything can’t be rosy, right?

    The difficult part is when the time comes for not-so-positive feedback [I’m purposefully avoiding the term “negative feedback” because it sets the wrong connotation from the start]. No one likes to hear that they didn’t do something effectively, are not meeting expectations, or have fallen flat on a given responsibility. Sometimes, people don’t even realize when they’ve missed the mark, so, when someone reveals it to them, it can be unbelievably rough to accept. In these instances, my advice is to swallow your pride, listen intently, and open yourself up to hearing those tough comments. It’s far from easy, but doing so is incredibly worthwhile…trust me on that.

    Until a few years ago, I used to be terrible at receiving constructive criticism because I saw it as either a personal attack on my abilities/character, an attempt by someone to build him-/herself up by bringing me down, or just flat-out wrong. Then, I took a course at Stanford GSB called “Touchy Feely” and it totally changed my view on the topic [The real name of the course is “Interpersonal Dynamics”, but no one calls it that on campus]. One of the most important lessons from the class was that we all have blind spots in the way that we view ourselves. These blind spots, whether big or small, may obscure issues that impact our overall effectiveness in some way. With the help of feedback from outside observers, we can identify these issues and focus on addressing them, if desired. Simple idea, but it was a major value-add and made me a believer in the value of honest, fact-based, insightful, and constructive feedback.

    The other side of the coin for accepting tough feedback is the ability to give it. I understand that delivering constructive/critical feedback can be difficult, especially in a professional environment and even moreso to more senior colleagues. It is much easier to always share positive observations and act as if a given person can do no wrong. This is fine to an extent, but, if one isn’t careful, it can go too far. In the U.S., we use the term yes-man for people who default to this type of behavior, the dictionary definition being “a person (especially a man) who agrees with everything that someone says : a person who supports the opinions or ideas of someone else in order to earn that person’s approval“.

    No leader (or professional, for that matter) worth his/her salt should want to be surrounded by yes-men. In my view, yes-manning is not a #WinForThePeople…and, as folks used to say back at McK, you have an obligation to dissent if the situation calls for it. If you do so when justified and provide comments in the right way, the result can be positive for everyone involved. I won’t say that it’ll be easy the first few times, but, after a while, it can become almost second nature and be very helpful to the development of those around you.

    Depending on how it is delivered, feedback can either be relatively straightforward or very difficult to take and, in the case of constructive comments, to share with others. As one moves along in his/her career, it is important to remember that feedback is a gift and can a valuable asset for his/her own development and that of others.

  8. Recognize that it’s OK to have a chip on your shoulder as long as it serves as motivation to achieve more

    I’ll start by acknowledging that many people will disagree with this item and may see me as spreading a negative message, likely due to the negative connotation of having a chip on one’s shoulder. Some assume that it is an indicator of a person being quick to argue or to see someone else as doing him/her wrong (whether justified or not). I choose to view it differently.

    I understand that some people with chips on their shoulders end up bringing negativity with them wherever they go, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. What about the instances where a person uses it as a push to aim higher than he/she would have otherwise? Or, what about it being a way for someone to motivate him-/herself to overcome perceived roadblocks on the road to success? I’d argue that this can be a win if done productively.

    Here’s a quick example of what I mean… Back in high school, I worked in a grocery store in my hometown and, during those years, I’d developed what I considered to be friendly relationships with several of the regular customers. In July 1995, I had a conversation with one of those customers (an older white guy) that made a lasting impression on me:

    • Old guy: “Hey, didn’t you just graduate from high school a couple of weeks ago?”
    • Me: “Yup yup.” [Smiling widely]

    • Old guy: “Great. Congratulations. So, what are you going to do next?”
    • Me: “I’m heading up to Princeton to study Computer Science.” [Still smiling]

    • Old guy: “Hold on. Princeton? You mean…Ivy League Princeton???”
    • Me: “Yeah, Ivy League Princeton.” [Still smiling, but confused by the question because I’d never heard of any other Princetons]

    • Old guy: “Wow, not only are you a funny spear-chucker, but you’re a smart one too.” [Laughing hysterically]
      (For those that don’t know ‘spear-chucker’ is an old school racial epithet for Black folks)
    • Me: [Stunned silence and disbelief that he had actually said that to my face; Followed by an awkward half-chuckle]
      (My immediate reaction was to want to swing on him, but, if I had done that, the dream would have been all over for me at 17 years old)

    • Old guy: “Oh, you must not know what that means…” [Turns around and walks out of the store, still laughing hysterically]
    • Me: [Jaw drops and no words come out]

    As the guy walked out, I knew that I couldn’t do anything in response, which angered me beyond words. That exchange literally changed my entire outlook on the world (Present shoulder…Apply chip…DONE ). That day, I decided that I wasn’t ever going to be anybody’s “spear-chucker”. I didn’t know how I’d do it, but I made it a mission to kill the game and prove that idiot wrong. The road hasn’t been easy and there have been many twists and turns, but that chip has kept me pushing and pushing and pushing over the years. And, the rest, as they say, is history… 🙂

    Again, this lesson may not apply to many folks and several people may say that I’m 100% wrong. That said, the proverbial “chip on your shoulder” doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. If one can use it as a source of focus and motivation, it can be an incredibly useful asset in the drive toward success.

  9. Don’t be afraid to go for the “Hail Mary“

    This point refers to a very American term, so I’ll start off with a brief explanation. In American football, the term “Hail Mary” refers to a very long downfield pass that is taken in an attempt to score toward the end of a period of play. It is seen as a longshot attempt at a score that isn’t likely to be successful, but, in the rare times that it does connect, the crowd usually goes wild. The idea behind it is that the quarterback has to say a Hail Mary and a prayer for the pass to have any chance of being caught. Simple idea, right?

    When I use the term “Hail Mary” here, I’m referring to the idea of trying to accomplish something that that feels almost impossible given the circumstances and giving it your all, despite the fact that you’re not likely to be successful. I’m not providing more context than that because the situation where one would go for the Hail Mary can vary in so many way. It can refer to an academic, personal, professional, or just about any other situation where a person feels like he or she is facing impossible odds and decides to try for the win anyway.

    Some you may have heard of the term Big Hairy Audacious Goal, which is a similar concept, but what I’m referring to here is different. If something is a goal, the implication is that one has thought about it thoroughly beforehand and *hopefully* develops a methodical plan to achieve it. With the Hail Mary, I’m talking about making an attempt to do something that seems so far away from being possible that it wouldn’t even qualify as a valid goal. It’s like taking the idea of a “stretch goal” and stretching it so far that it sort of doesn’t even make sense. Feel me?

    Maybe this is best demonstrated with a couple of examples and, as I’ve done many times over the past decade, I’ll use real stories from my own life to demonstrate:

    • In the Fall of 1994, I was an awkward kid, who like many high school seniors, was facing the “What do I do after high school?” question. Unlike most other kids, I’d also spent the few years before that dealing with the impact of my father’s “demons” that caused a whirlwind of uncertainty in the years leading up to that point. Also, due to the hereditary connection, I literally knew that I was destined to fight the same demons and have to the same fate one day. As a result, I felt hopeless. Then, one day, I decided that I needed to do whatever I could to move along a different path and, in my head, it had to be something big. At the time, the biggest thing that I could think of was to apply to Princeton. Pretty random for a kid like me from where I was from to do that, right? I didn’t think that I had a chance in hell of being accepted, but I knew that, if I could get in, I’d have the opportunity to completely alter my destiny. Fortunately, my Hail Mary paid off and Former Dean of Admissions Fred Hargadon gave a scraggly little dude from the country a chance to do something great.

    • Fast forward to Fall 2003…I’d finished my first graduate degree program at UVA that May, was starting the MBA application process, and should have been on top of the world with the possibilities ahead of me. But, at the same time, I was also dealing with the realities of my father having to go away for a while due to actions related to the aforementioned demons. So, instead of counting on being seen as a Princeton alum with a strong GMAT score and interesting academic/work experiences, I feared (and assumed) that people would somehow discover my “secret” and simply see me as the Black dude who would inevitably end up on the wrong path one day. [Looking back, it was somewhat irrational of me to make such a jump, but, when you’re in the middle of a situation like that, “irrational” is pretty much the name of the game. ] As in the earlier case, I felt hopeless and really needed something big to pop off to convince myself that my destiny wasn’t pre-determined. At that point, the biggest thing that I could think of was to get into Stanford’s MBA program, which regularly has a sub-7% acceptance rate. Again, I figured that there was no way in hell that I’d get in, but I owed it to myself to at least take the shot, despite the long odds. When the good word came in from the GSB Admissions Team, I knew that my Hail Mary had connected and I could take a different road at the proverbial fork in the road.

    In both cases above, I felt trapped in untenable situations and honestly believed that the odds were completely against me. Given that, I was sort of in a “nothing to lose” state of mind and just focused on trying to make the impossible score in each case. Thank goodness both of them worked out…I wouldn’t be where I am today otherwise.

    Of course, the Hail Mary doesn’t make sense in all situations. Sometimes a person can read the tea leaves and recognize that going for the long shot isn’t worth it. What I want to stress is that there are times when taking a chance against the odds can turn out well, even if things seem hopeless. When those times come, it is important not to let fear keep you from trying for something that appears to be unlikely at first glance.

    As “The Great One” Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take”. When the time feels right, don’t be afraid to go for the Hail Mary…

  10. Remember that everyone deserves a chance to win

    I listed this point last because I find it to be potentially the most impactful item on the list.

    From what I’ve seen, one of the biggest factors in achieving success is simply having a legitimate chance to do so. There is a school of thought that says anyone can find an opportunity if he/she is willing to work hard, sacrifice, be flexible, etc. in order to make it happen. For many in our society, that school of thought is just plain wrong and, sadly, that’s just the way of the world. I believe that it is up to those of us who have found some measure of success to recognize this fact and do what we can to help these folks get their shot.

    I’d be willing to bet that everyone knows of a person who has (or had) strong potential/ability/drive and could do something great with it, if given the opportunity. People deserve the opportunity to realize that potential for something greater. To use a baseball analogy, if one can’t step up to the plate to take a swing, he or she can’t hit a homerun or even get a single…and it is impossible to score if you can’t even get on base. And, success in life is all about scoring as often as possible to move one’s self forward in a positive direction.

    Of course, I’m not referring to folks who had chances to win and squandered them. We all know people who were fortunate enough to have advantages, opportunities, and head starts, only to end up wasting them for any number of reasons (i.e., poor decision making, lack of motivation, bad judgment). Those people had their shots and didn’t connect, so I am not saying that anyone should go out of their way to give even more chances. That wouldn’t be fair to those who haven’t had a fair shake of things and this latter group is who I have in mind.

    I’ll use myself as an example for this one. When I arrived at Princeton in September 1995, I had $42 in my pocket, a strong country bumpkin accent (that I didn’t even know that I had), and no clue about what I was even supposed to be aspiring for education- and career-wise. Since then, I’ve literally built myself up from scratch with the support of many people who took the time to help me in some way. There are too many examples to list here, but trust me when I say that a lot of folks played a role in me being the man and professional that I am today. Nowadays, I’m all about paying it forward to the fullest because I truly understand the impact that it can have on a person’s life.

    Offering this “helping hand” can be done in many ways, including:

    • Share the stories of how you achieved your successes to younger people in hopes of sparking a fire within them
    • Be a mentor/coach to people who appear to have high potential and desire to succeed
    • Consider giving an interview slot to a candidate whose profile may not be a 100% fit but whose energy and dedication may make up for it
    • Answer questions and provide advice to folks who want to learn and get better
    • Make time to talk to or meet with people who have been recommended/vetted by people in your network
    • Be willing to open up your network and make introductions on behalf of high-potential people when there is a chance for mutual benefit

    I understand that acting on this lesson is easier said than done because we all have varying priorities, values, and time. But, at least having the thought of giving someone a chance to succeed is a starting point for helping someone deserving to win.

    You never know…you might end up giving a shot to the next Marquis. 🙂

——————–

Looking back over the above list, I can’t help but be amazed at how much life experience can teach a person over time. It isn’t always easy to see those lessons as positives instead of setbacks, but time has a way of providing the right kind of perspective.

Of course, many items in my list seem basic to many of you, but, for a guy who didn’t really get these things until his late 20s and the first half of his 30s, they were literally life-changing. Also, folks tend to assume that it’s been an easy road for me because of what I’ve accomplished, but that couldn’t be further from reality. So, it’s refreshing to think back and realize what hard work, sacrifice, and the hustle has made possible for a scraggly little dude from the country (VA represent!).

Thanks for reading this incredibly long entry. It ended up much longer than expected, but it feels good to write about myself for a change like I used to do back in the day. All in all, if sharing this can inspire someone else who sees him-/herself as fighting an uphill battle, then I’ll consider it to be a major win. If someone had put me onto game like this back in high school, the last 20 years would have been much more straightforward.

Hopefully, you guys got a little something out of it… 🙂