Just got this from my man Jon and it made me laugh out loud.

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1.) Harvard – Pros: The best academic brand in the world,
people from East Timor will know where you went to school. Graduates are
extremely polished and dynamic leaders. its no coincidence that so many
politicians these days are HBS grads.

Cons: Students are about as pompous and pretentious as possible. Polish is
a fancy way of saying full of s**t. its no coincidence that so many
politicians these days are HBS grads.

Office Space Character: Lumbergh (Peter’s hated boss). He’s a quintessential
Harvard grad; in charge and full of platitudes that sound great but on
further inspection don’t make any sense. He also drives a nice car and makes
a lot of money while being universally loathed. Kind of sums up every HBS
grad you’ve ever met, right?

2.) Stanford – Pros: Small class size and focus on
do-gooders leads to an incredible array of backgrounds and accomplishments
of students, who thrive in tight knit community. Haven for the really
interesting superstars out there. Tremendous brand. Beautiful weather.


Cons: It may be interesting to be classmates with a Buddhist monk-fighter
pilot, but its also hard to relate to anyone (“So, did that vow of peace
make it hard to take out bogeys?”). For super accomplished business
students with the world at their fingertips, it sure doesn’t seem like any
of them actually like business.

Office Space Character: Peter (main character). He seems like the most level
headed, likable and down to earth of any of the characters, but for all his
talents, he ends up as a damn construction worker. He’s also a major league
flake, showing up to work only when he feels like it. Can you say entitled?

3.) Wharton – Pros: Arguably the best technical business
education in the world. Great brand name, and the job placements are second
only to H/S.

Cons: Not sure if it’s the ultra rigorous curriculum, the competitive
culture, or the fact that they have to live in Philly for two years, but
Whartonites are paranoid bordering on psychotic. The odds of having a
nervous breakdown in your life triple after going here. Double that if you
actually ask anyone at Wharton to calculate those odds.

Office Space Character: Tom Smykowski (Co-worker that invents “jumping to
conclusions mat”). I’m assuming that Tom was actually an excellent technical
employee, but that his constant fear of losing his job made him batsh*t
crazy. Most fitting quote “I’m a People Person!!!!!!” when yelling at the
consultants.

4.) Northwestern – Pros: Strong team culture and arguably
the best marketing program in the country. Incredibly collaborative for such
a large school. Great location next to major financial center (Chicago).

Cons: Very soft curriculum, these guys are poets. I’m pretty sure that
Kellogg finance classes are prerecorded cartoons taught by Disney
characters. Is it really worth it to pay $10000+ to drink every night? I
mean, couldn’t you just do that without the degree?

Office Space Character: Joanna (Peter’s girlfriend). Like Peter, she’s very
likable, level headed and likes to get around. Unfortunately she’s also
vastly less skilled than many of her fellow characters. Thank God she’s hot.

5.) Chicago – Pros: Finance education is second only to
Wharton globally (and even that’s debatable). Probably the best facilities
of all the top business schools. Fantastic job placements and close
proximity to Chicago. Academic horsepower of profs is untouchable.

Cons: Socially awkward is an understatement. Unlike Whartonites who are
just high strung, Chicago GSBers either never learned or quickly forgot how
to communicate with peers. Make sure to wear a face mask if they’re talking
to you ’cause spits going to fly.

Office Space Character: Milton (Co-worker that loves red swingline stapler).
Milton seems like a nice enough guy, and he might be the smartest guy in the
office (he pulls off the grand caper in the end). It’s just that he’s about
as charismatic as a toilet bowl. Hire ‘em, just make sure to get GSBers an
office in the basement.

6.) Columbia – Pros: Great location in the middle of global
financial center (New York). Most diverse student body in terms of
minorities and women. Very strong finance program. New York allows great
social and job placement opportunities, and draws worldly, cosmopolitan
students.

Cons: Cliquish and commuterish. Columbia is like a high school with super
rich kids. High assh*le factor. This isn’t the kind of school where you’ll
be going to house parties, its more like the kind of school where you’re
expected to order bottle service for twenty guys on a student budget or else
be ostracized.

Office Space Character: Bobs (consultants that lay off workers). They seem
smart, they have great jobs, but c’mon, these guys are douchebags.

7.) MIT – Pros: World class entrepreneurship program, and
probably the best supply management program in America. Attached to world
class research center, and location in Boston is strong. Great job
placement, especially in consulting.

Cons: For all their unique academic offerings, the overall school is like
90/10 men/women including undergrads. Takes the term sausage fest to a whole
new level. Nerdy culture.

Office Space Character: Michael Bolton (Peter’s co-worker and friend).
Michael Bolton desperately wants to be cool, listening to rap music, talking
in slang, but lets face it, he’s a dork. He’s also hampered by his dorky
namesake, which seems to attract a lot of nerdy people (to his obvious
dismay).

8.) Tuck -Pros: Small class size and tight culture leads to maybe the
most enthusiastic students in any school. Great respect from recruiters.
Alumni network is arguably the most responsive and helpful of any top
school. Strong rigorous program.

Cons: Very conformist culture, and really limited social options. These
guys seem so enthusiastic about their school that I’m almost certain that
all students are given ecstasy at orientation. Listen, if two years in the
middle of Nowhere, New Hampshire were to constitute the best two years of my
life, I would kill myself.

Office Space Character: Brian (Works with Joannas at Chotchkies, wears 37
pieces of flair). Brian is well meaning and LOVES his job. Never mind that
he’s a waiter at a glorified TGIF, he still loves it with all his heart.
They say ignorance is bliss, in which case, maybe Tuckies have the secret
after all. That or, like Brian, they’re borderline retarded.

9.) Michigan – Pros: Maybe the most hands-on practical curriculum of all
the top schools. New facilities coming up in 2009. Largest alumni network of
any business school. State school, so the 2nd year is cheaper.

Cons: Location proximity leaves something to be desired (Detroit? Why not
put it next to Beirut). The overall atmosphere here is very fratty and
college like. Every single UMich student and alumni I’ve spoken to say the
highlight of their experience was tailgating and watching football.
EVERYONE. Not that football isn’t awesome, but no one else had any other
experience that was noteworthy? They probably forgot the rest after
beerbonging Jagermeister.

Office Space Character: Lawrence (Peter’s next door neighbor and friend).
Lawrence is a good guy. He’s loyal, and salt of the earth. He also has a few
rough edges, and would use 1 million dollars to be intimate with two other
women. Have a great time with old Lawrence. Just don’t be surprised if all
you end up with is a job he hooked you up with at the local quarry.

10.) Haas – Pros: Great location in the bay, and strong ties to Silicon
Valley. Great weather. Small class size and tight culture. Berkeley has very
strong international brand name.

Cons: Weak ties to financial sector, and east coast in general. The culture
here is definitely about as PC as it gets. This seems like the type of
school where you’d need to get a permission slip before you held a woman’s
hand on campus.

Office Space Character: Stan (Joanna’s manager at Chotchkies). Stan wants
Joanna to do more than the bare minimum. After all, people can get an MBA
anywhere, but they come to Chotckies/Haas for the atmosphere! Don’t you want
to do more than the bare minimum? Then put on your flair, burn some bras and
save a whale you selfish jerk.

11.) Duke – Pros: Maybe the best health care management program in the
country. Great brand name, especially in the south. Strong team culture.

Cons: Relatively young MBA program, so alumni network is small. As such, the
brand cache just isn’t there yet. People that come here seem very cookie
cutter to me, not in a bad way, just very comfortable and relatively
unambitious.

Office Space Character: Samir (Peter’s co-worker and friend). Samir is a
nice guy, very practical and unassuming. You get the feeling that he’s happy
as long as he has a job in hand. Won’t make waves, won’t screw up, and won’t
take any risks. But he’s a happy guy, and will have a house with 2.2 kids
and a dog in a suburb somewhere (probably Durham).

12.) Darden – Pros: Strong Case method program and rigorous curriculum
is universally respected. Alumni network is very strong and active with
current students.

Cons: Middle of nowhere. Intellectual horsepower not as strong at a lot of
the other top schools.

Office Space Character: Anne (Peter’s ex-girlfriend who was cheating on
him). Anne just seemed really high maintenance and uptight. You try doing
twenty cases a week for a year and see what happens to you. Just don’t be
surprised if it’s a bigger bi**h than you imagined.

13.) NYU – Pros: Great location within spitting distance of Wall Street.
Strong finance curriculum, and media program.

Cons: Location in downtown Manhattan make this the ultimate commuter school.
Weird inferiority complex with Columbia. If you don’t go into finance or
media, good luck.

Office Space Character: Other Lumbergh (ex-co-worker of Peter, Joanna’s
ex-boyfriend). From all accounts, the other Lumbergh was a likable guy who
was good at his job and got a great job offer to move on somewhere else. We
just never actually saw him. Kind of like your NYU classmates.

14.) UCLA – Pros: LA! Sun, beach, beautiful glamorous people everywhere!
Strong ties to Southern California business and great real estate program.

Cons: LA. UV rays, crowded beaches and shallow, materialistic people
everywhere. You get the feeling that UCLA students are there just to spend
two years in SoCal rather than to get jobs. As such, this place draws vapid,
materialistic people. But damn they’re hot!

Office Space Character: Drew (Peter’s co-worker, describes the famous
“O-face”). Drew’s a fun-loving guy that people like. He’s also the kind of
guy that would tell anyone who was willing to listen graphic descriptions of
all his sexual exploits. I liked Drew when I was 19. When I’m 26..?

15.) Cornell – Pros: Maybe the best Hospitality management
program in the country. Ivy league brand name, and strong ties to some top
consumer management companies. Small tight knit culture.

Cons: In the middle of nowhere, and it’s definitely a cut below a lot of
the top tier programs. I mean, hospitality management? Seriously?

Office Space Character: Peggy (Lumbergh’s secretary). She’s kind of in
hospitality: “Initech, can I put you on hold? Thank you! Initech, can I put
you on hold? Thank you! Initech, can I put you on hold? Thank you! .”

16.) Yale – Pros: World class brand name. Arguably the best
social enterprise program in the country. Relatively strong job placement
for the rank.

Cons: Newer program means little real rep with employers or alumni to lean
on.

Office Space character: Dr. Swanson (Peter’s psychologist/hypnotist). The
Dr. has a very strong reputation, and he makes Peter go from depressed to
happy (what a do-gooder!). But when it comes to the rankings, he just falls
over dead.

Now I realize that some of these characterizations are harsh, but it’s just
supposed to be for s**ts and giggles so relax.